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* Chapter 11 * 6 April 1997 |
6 April 1997
Hello again,
About 15 years ago I wrote a verse on the back of a business card, keeping it on my desk under the lamp behind the beautiful sterling silver crucifix that Evelio gave me for Christmas a couple years before he died:
All things, whatever you ask in Prayer, believing you shall receive.
// Matthew 2.22
I later used Letraset to stencil this verse on a 3 1/4 x 9 1/4" white matt board (now somewhat yellowed with time), and placed it in the display case which faces my desk in the study.
Once again, after I had some paragraphs written and all, the screen froze and I had to restart, losing everything I wrote, just like last week -- is it a sign of some sort that these journals are not worthwhile or what?? The computer is only a PowerMac 6100/60AV, which is one of the oldest power models, without even the 603 chip! I had planned on getting a new one, probably a clone, when the new OS (= operating system) comes out -- I F it ever does. So in the meantime I just keep on entering SAVE after a paragraph or two so they are not lost again.
The correct term for the lead forms which they place under the radiation source is block -- I have been calling them templates. Actually a template is what they use to make the block. And with the three new blocks they are also putting wedges to restrict the radiation impact to "exactly" the cancer site, honing in on it from three directions: top, left and right sides. I hope they aimed correctly!
Monday another radiation festival. Hellenna did not even read chapter 10 which I gave her to share with the others. Only Dr.Schaebler got all 10 parts of ACCBA PITA.
There was no blood test last week -- which I consider an oversight because they are supposed to be monitoring my blood indices on a regular basis.
Saw Dr. Williamson today because she will be at the U of P (University of Pennsylvania, in Philadelphia, my birthplace) tomorrow. This time her hair was not as perfect as is usually is -- as a matter of fact she looks like she road her broom to the clinic today! I mentioned it to the quiet technician, Larry, who did not think it was very funny -- who is sort of like me -- he says only a few words and they are just the least possible to explain something -- people hate that in me. I erroneously assume that whomever I am speaking with is on the same wave length/level as I and succinctly say what I have to in order to make my point. N O T the same when I am writing! My imagination takes over and I frequently go off on tangents, as you may have noted, connecting seemingly disjunct concepts in order to make the story a bit more palatible, interesting and thought provoking. I try to use different words for the same idea, not to show that my vocabulary is the best, rather to give my mind some exercise-- and have some mental fun at the same time!
Back to Dr. W -- she is really a nice person, and I am sure that she does her best. She prescribed some hydrocortisone cream for my butt area so that it is not as sore as it usually is. I mentioned about the blood emissions last week, and she suggested that it might be the cancer being dispelled-- sort of the idea I mentioned in chapter 10. I told her that I had been placing paper towels in my underwear so that the mucous, etc. would not constantly mess them up, thus reducing my daily tarea (SP., job) of washing so much. I also suggested that perhaps using some brand of adult diaper ( which occured to me some time ago -- Bernar, in his infinite wisdom, also said it might be useful) might have been suggested weeks ago, since she did know about the problem. My only technical difficulty was that I had no idea which kind would be the best, which size to use, etc. She said that she would ask one of the nurses for that info, B U T, one thing leading to another, she forgot!
On to the pharmacy to get the HC cream and to check out the diaper things. I hesitantly explained to the older woman who was at the counter what the problem was and she said that her father uses DEPENDS, sort of a shield like thing with an elastic wasteband. So I got a pack of 12.
They really work, B U T I find the elastic sides in the crotch area sort of irritating to the skin fold between my thigh and the contingent part, like where the cojones [SP., testicles] hang. Removing the elastic bands and rebuttoning them to the fresh shield is a hastle. NO soiled underwear so far this week!
Also under the lamp on my desk is another prayer:
PRAYER FOR SPIRITUAL HEALING
I ask the great unseen healing force to remove all obstructions from my mind and body and to restore me to perfect health. I ask this in all sincerity and honesty and I will do my part.
I ask this great unseen healing force to help both present and absent ones who are in need of help and to restore them to perfect health. I put my trust in the love and power of God.
The Ryans, John and Lucy, the neighbors in back with the fish pond, brought me dinner (they were impressed with my journal and shared it with another neighbor, Carolee, who works at Mercer Medical) -- WOW, like a gourmet fare of sliced beef, baked potato, fried mushrooms, broccoli, spinach, a roll and some butter for the goodies. Needless to say I had not eaten like that in ages! I opened the red wine that Al and Ami gave me on Easter and it rounded out the menu fabulously -- from Chile, rather dry, but very fruity.
George called from Norristown, Pennsylvania to see how I was -- I always send him ACCBA PITA by mail because he is not online.
Tuesday was the L A S T scheduled radiation happening!!
I was overjoyed, needless to say!!
I quietly slipped away after getting the block/wedge info from Larry. I could never remember his name for some reason, so I wrote it down along with the tech stuff.
Mark, a friend who specializes in fossils, visited me to see how things were progressing. I had not seen him since last November or so when he went to see his parents in New England, then on to Florida and Arizona to get some fossils to sell.
Tucson is a world meeting place for mineral and fossil collectors. There is a very large show which lasts over a week. He said they had everything imaginable, from little microfossils to entire dinosaurs! That would be nice to see!
Wednesday the weather was extra nice, so in the late afternoon I finally cleaned out the soiled cat litter trays that had accumulated since last November. There must have been about 12 of them. When I finished I was extremely exhausted, even though the work involved was not all that much. Guess the extra movement, bending down to scrub them out and all was a bit too much. So I had to rest the remainder of the day on the couch upstairs, with Tracey snuggling up at my feet and Kamiel and Devi trying to get under the blanket around my waist.
Mike, a friend from Texas who now lives somewhere in Kansas, sent me a short note. Had not heard from him in over a year! What a surprise!
John put the trash and recyclable containers out at the street for me, which was a help.
Carolee called in the evening to say that she would leave me some munchables on Thursday. She loved ACCBA PITA.
At 20h (= 8pm) I checked into the AOL (America On Line) Colon Cancer chat session (KEYWORD : GLENNA). Several people who received A.P. said that I should try to publish it somewhere!! (if anyone has any concrete ideas concerning its potential publication, please let me know) I also sent 5 other people the 10 chapters.
An extremely curious observation: one of the participants mentioned that she was under a lot of S T R E S S just prior to being diagnosed with cancer. Immediately I and M A N Y other "chatters" typed in the exact same idea!! What a revelation! I might have mentioned this possible connection in one of my previous chapters.
My stress was largely due to that asshole principal at an inner city junior high school where I teach science to 8th graders -- or try to. I had been extremely active in my science program since I started there in 1982, holding many Saturday field trips. I never take a trip during the school day because:
A> I do not like taking time out on a scheduled school day -- I get little enough done in class without diluting the time-on-task with trips -- other teachers love it -- they have a "free" day, invite their teacher "friends" to chaperone their kids, do little or no preparation or follow-up on the topic of the trip -- with FEW exceptions!
B> on a school day the time allotted for a trip is from when school starts (and the busses arrive, I F they do!!) to just before school ends at 14:30h. My trips usually start at 7h, often returning after 18h. We have collected fossils along a stream bed, studied marine life at the southern New Jersey shore (and treated the kids to rides and pizza on the boardwalk), explored a cave near State College, Pennsylvania (actually crawling through it with flashlights and hard hats!), observed Comet Hyakutake at an evening session in the school yard, receiving a certificate for same-- they also got a cave exploring certificate after the cave trip.
My kids always get pizza parties as awards for school charity drives, etc. -- more than any other homeroom class in the school. They also have received some of the top Science Fair awards over the last few years -- and I do not mean the usual shitty second grade type projects that most of the students present! Let's not mention the cash awards that I present them for various and sundry things throughout the year: Christmas Science Poster Contest, Attendance Awards, my science Dinosaur Collectors' Club Awards, etc., etc.
Well, Mr.R has a hangup about my handicap, forcing me to walk throughout the day when the halls are crowded with kids who "playfully" trip me, grab my cane, etc. The cane is the result of an auto accident on school business in 1982. It's funny, I always sort of thought that using a cane would be sort of a Victorian style pleasure -- B U T !!
He didn't like one of my students doing a science fair project on the strength of different condom brands-- similar to one in which the strength of a paper towel or a baby diaper might be compared. The project was withdrawn on the day of judging, with a lot of hidden administrative actions which they tried to pass off on to some other administrator.
He was not pleased that I signed "official school documents" in the manner in which I did -- even tried to stop my salary for insubordination-- which was subsequently overturned.
My absences, although within the contractual guidelines, were due to my hip problem. He stated that I refused to come to school for some obscure reason, and negated the need for a full-time teacher for the students -- curious, I had to sub dozens of times for other teachers who were absent for whatever reason-- did they also receive the same threats as I did??
Part of the problem was that when I saw things at school that were not up to par, I would put the problem in writing, offering a constructive solution in most cases. Like the time they were painting with oil based primers during the school day with no ventilation -- so I notified OSHA. I shall not go into details! Or the extremely poor air quality at school. Many teachers and students suffer bronchial problems -- I have never seen so many kids using inhalers! It appears that they never clean out the air ducts or radiators, and the buildup of dust was absolutely amazing in the few places I and my Science Fair students looked for samples. Asbestos is present in several parts of the school, including the pool area. For some reason nobody seems to care about any of this. In a non-inner city school, one in which the parents really participate in the PTO and such, they would be up in arms about these things.
OK, so it was a constant battle between the principal and myself -- I just never seemed to be able to close my eyes to anything that I considered negative. So the bitch has me up on tenure charges -- and suspended for 4 months without pay starting last 20 December!! Have not seen a paycheck since before Christmas!! I am eternally grateful for his obnoxious stupidity because I could not have gone through all of these medical things had I still been teaching!! HE ACTUALLY DID ME A FAVOUR !! Enough about these things.
Yet another verse sits under the lamp on my desk:
Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart.
// Galatians 6:9
Went to the dentist again.
Thursday morning on my first urination urge after waking up, I had another evacuation of blood and what looked like bloody tissue. The same thing happened last week 2 days after the last radiation session and scared me just as much. Once again, after my usual breakfast of cereal and 3 slices of toasted raison bread and green tea, I had a bowel movement and surprisingly no blood was seen!! I personally find this sort of illogical -- why did I, on three occasions have the blood, then only less than a half hour later have a bowel movement with no blood visible?? Was there another hole/orifice present that the blood and tissue came through?? If the blood came from the cancer site, which is directly connected to where the feces pass, why did the BM (= bowel movement) not scrape some of the same area producing at least some blood?? Can anyone offer me an explanation?
I had to go to the hospital for a blood test in preparation for my visit to Dr. Schaebler tomorrow.
When all this began, just before Christmas, 1996, I got a sterling silver Miraculous Medal at the flea market, and a sterling chain from Mark to wear it on. I could not find the ones I had as a kid-- and I had a few! The priest at the hospital blessed it for me.
Then my brother, Bill, sent me a prayer card for recovery which contained the following (of which I have a photocopy taped to the computer monitor and recite it every day):
PRAYER FOR SPIRITUAL HEALING
Mary Immaculate, you have given yourself to us as our Lady of the Miraculous Medal. You have asked us to pray with confidence, and we will receive great graces. We know your compassion, because you saw your Son suffer and die for us. In your union with his suffering you became the mother of us all.
Mary, my mother, teach me to understand my suffering as you do and to endure it in union with the suffering of Jesus. In your motherly love, calm my fears and increase my trust in God's loving care.
According to God's plan, obtain for me the healing I need. Intercede with your Son that I may have the strength I need to work for God's glory and the salvation of the world. Amen.
Mary, health of the sick, pray for me.
After leaving the hospital I went to the local K-Mart and bought another pack of those diaper thingys, this time a 26-pack of ASSURANCE Slip-On Undergarments. They had the ones I bought last Monday, but these have an elastic wasteband built in, which makes it sort of easier to change. The only thing is that they seem to be bulkier than the others, though somewhat more comfortable in the crotch area.
Since Monday I have used 12 of these work savers.
My weight, as measured on a Health o meter® Electronic Digital Strain Gauge Scale, is 202 pounds. I have been up to 108 #, which is more than I have ever weighed!!
Also got 2 new toilet seats. The old one upstairs was a nice classical oak and brass one -- sort of within my decorating scheme -- I love natural oak furniture and brass light fixtures/switch plates, etc. So, with all my seating position difficulties due to the anal pain, yesterday I cracked the oak seat -- can you imagine? The one downstairs was a simple plastic over wood one, and the plastic was chipped in several places -- it came with the house. So I got two new simple plastic toilet seats and installed them.
When I got home I found a bag containing some stuffed potatoes (with corn, beans, cilantro, salsa and cheddar cheese) left there by Carolee. Had one for lunch with my usual ham and cheese sandwich-- was scrumptious! Am saving the other two for dinner.
One of the results of the chemo appears to be a smoothing and softening of my facial skin. If you remember, when chemo began my face seems to have gotten lumpy -- which disappeared after a couple days. But now the skin feels smoother, and where I had a couple small hard spots, possibly due to sebaceous secretions or whatever, they seem to have disappeared. I always thought that the hard spots, sort of like pimples, might be due to the reaction of the pipe smoke with my skin -- something which I am sure results to a more pronounced degree in a heavy smoker. No one ever talks about the effects of smoke on the skin, especially the face.
The day was so nice that I let the dog out and decided to clean out the pond filters -- two, one smallish and the other quite large. Last week when I walked along the pond to where the filters are I got dizzy and thought I was going to fall in. So I actually completed the job without joining the fish -- they had not been cleaned since about November, when the temperature went below 50°F. I sat in a chair as I sprayed the gook from the foam and brush parts -- not too much bending and all. I still got very exhausted -- so I decided to sit at the computer to work on this chapter. Kamiel, as usual, is sitting above the keyboard, moving to my lap every now and then. Tracey is sleeping on the sofa, and Devi is under the bed covers.
Bernar visited briefly again. Missed him Sunday, Monday and yesterday!
Friday my 8h bladder emptying was again accompanied by another blood emission -- the same as last week, 2 and 3 days after cessation of the radiation!
I went to see Dr. Schaebler to check on how I am doing. The blood results were in, and I found that:
WBC white blood cell count 1,600 which is 61% of what it should be, a critical level
RBC red blood cells 3.63x10^6, should be 4.7 0- 6.10x10^6
HGB hemoglobin 11.1g/dl, should be 14.0 - 18.0
HCT hematocrit 32.2%, should be 42.0 - 52.0%
PLT platelets 120,000, should be 150-400,000
He explained that these results show that the combined chemo and radiation are having the desired effect, that they did not skimp on the treatment. The blood indices should begin to return to more normal levels within a few weeks. B U T that I must be extremely careful at this point because the infection fighting cells are only 61% of what they should be.
I should still avoid the Sun for more than 15 minutes a day. I was sort of surprised to hear that the chemo and radiation will still be causing their effects for several weeks more! What fun! N O T !!
He gave me a supply of CIPRO (ciprofloxacin hydrochloride) tablets, a broad spectrum antibiotic manufactured by the Bayer Corporation (Professional Sample), for use in case my temperature goes above 100.5°F -- at which time I call him and begin taking the pills. I do not think I have ever seen a longer pharmaceutical insert in any medication; this one is 2 x 38", printed on both sides!! And check out the box of pills!! They are packed 12 boxes to a bunch, T W O 500mg tablets to a box, each box measuring 1 1/2 x 1 3/4 x 3 1/8"-- my gawd, a bottle of 100 caplets of Bayer aspirin could be made to fit in the same box and would probably fit loosly!! Did this extremely well known international $$ making drug conglomerate ever hear about conserving natural resources??
When Dr.Schaebler gave me the pack of wrapped boxes of pills I was terrified, thinking I would have to take the medication for the rest of my life!! I mentioned to him that I thought that the contents of the boxes was not commensurate with the size of the container. He replied that "they have to think about advertising"! I feel like sending it in to Consumers Reports to see if they might include it on their last page of odd advertising!
My next appointment with him is on 1 May, after getting another blood test on 29 April.
The 31 March issue of NEWSWEEK contains two articles that I found interesting: The Mystery of Prayer / Is God Listening? (Does God Play Favorites?), and Unbeliever's Quest, a story about the recently deceased agnostic scientist, Dr. Carl Sagan. He was one of the several international scientists who responded positively to my invitation to take part in the tribunal to judge my Doctoral Dissertation at the Universidad de La Laguna (Tenerife, Canary Islands, Spain). Sobre La Relación Entre La Actividad Solar Y El Comportamiento Humano (= "On The Relationship Between Solar Activity And Human Behaviour") -- that was in 1974. The local socialist/communist professors did not want to take part in the tribunal because I was a Yankee, and they would have disrupted the proceedings had they to have taken place -- thus my Ph.D. Dissertation was never officially presented! Each anniversary of the No-Presentation I would invite friends to the house in Tenerife and we would celebrate the occasion!
I am looking out the window behind the computer and see the Sun brightly shining, the gardener cleaning up the yard of a neighbor, and wish I could go out and begin to make this extra-sized yard presentable. Guess I shall have to wait a few more weeks!
Jesus, I just remembered that I have to get my tax stuff together a.s.a.p. !! Oh, gawd! I really feel up to getting all that crap organized!
Now Kamiel is straddlingly plopped down on top of my Epson Stylus Color printer, face to the Sun, hind legs and enormous balls (= testicles) hanging on the side facing me! I have never seen a cat that was as H U N G as this one is-- maybe it is because he is a Sphynx, one of the "hairless" kind, and you can see los huevos (Sp., the eggs; the balls) easier??
Thom just called me from Philly to see how I am doing. He recently discovered a museum (I can not remember it's name) in the City of Brotherly Love (from the Greek = Philadelphia) where they have a lot of James Joyce stuff, like some of his MSs (= manuscripts) and even his death mask. Joyce wrote, among other things, Ulysses, a rather lengthy classical novel. When they have book auctions at Swann Galleries in New York, first editions of this work bring like really B I G $$$.
Lucy brought me dinner again tonight: roast chicken, fried potatoes, cauliflower and green beans. I opened the red Italian wine she and John brought me for Easter.
Bernar stopped in again after work. He walked Tracey, who really loves to get out. Wish I had the energy to do it!
Today was awful in terms of soiled diapers -- must have gone through at least 6 -- just changed into another, which I hope lasts me the night. Last night I attempted to be a bit more comfortable and wore normal underwear, but soiled them before the night was over! I DO HOPE THAT ALL THIS FINALLY CLEARS UP BEFORE TOO MUCH LONGER !! It has turned out to be a great physical and mental "inconvenience", and along with the listlessness, pain, worry and such it all does not allow me to be too cool, calm and collected!
I certainly hope that my own prayers, as well as all those who have included me in theirs help me get through this sort of intact, at least!
IN GOD I TRUST.
(All Others Pay Cash!)
Friday I had another bloody emission upon getting out of bed and urinating. Hope this does not go on for too much longer -- I seem to have little enough good blood components left! I am assuming that the radiation and chemo are still affecting my bodies ability to produce the cells I really need.
Last night I stayed up until 1am watching TV -- the usual stuff! This is the latest I have gone to bed since I began the combined therapies. I stuck to the USA Network, first with Tommyknockers [8] (Part 2 -- Part 1 was on last night), then my first viewing of La Femme Nikita [5] (I saw a movie some time ago with the same name), then ended up with True Crime [6]. Guess I was just bored shitless -- don't I wish!
Still take the opium derivitive -- forgot to ask Dr. Schaebler to prescribe another dose because I only have a couple left -- shall fax him my request. That radiation cream, BIAFINE®, seems to work really well. My scrotal area and genitals went from a purple colour to a slight but noticeable reddening, and my paquete (= Sp., package; genitalia) changed from a pangolin (= a scaly mammal of Asia and Africa, able to roll into a ball when attacked) looking, horror movie type scaly bloated mass to more or less what it should look like, though millions of times more tender than before. I really have no idea what my butt end looks like, although it feels less armoured/cardboard-like than before. Still use the HC suppositories and cream, which seems to help the irritation somewhat, but not totally.
I am totally surprised that the chemo did not produce any of the side effects that the chatters on the Cancer Chat on AOL complain about -- like skin problems, loss of taste/appetite, nausea, etc., etc.. Gracias a Dios! (= Sp., Thanks Be To God!).
Hopefully these secondary things do not show up as afterthoughts!
Another nice day -- wish I could go outside for a few hours to do some of the work that has to be done -- I really get uptight when I constantly see things that need doing, even though I never rush to do them! Everything in its time! That is one of the few things about my Mother that bugged me -- she wanted everything done immediately, and of course, I always balked at same.
Weight now is 199# -- getting back to where it used to be since the 1982 accident, around 190. Somewhere in the back of my mind I sort of remember that the symbol "#" refers to air pressure in pps [?] (pounds per square inch ?) rather than a weight measure?? B U T the telephone company says to "press the pound sign" (maybe because they are full of hot air?) -- who knows?
Today has been a bummer -- have spent most of it in bed, with Kamiel and Devi under the covers and even Tracey curled up at the bottom! What fun! The dog loves it, but I rarely allow her up because the poor thing sort of takes up too much space.
In the late afternoon Bernar and Patty arrived, complete with hoagies from SUBWAY. So they set everything up on the patio table near the lower pond, I supplied the cranberry juice, and we munched away happily listening to the waterfall and watching the Cardinals hopping from tree to tree -- until it got cloudier and seemed to get colder, when I went in and crawled back in bed.
Bernar brought some nice colorful flowers which he put in the planters in front of the entrance walk and around the kitchen windows.
It is now 19h (=7pm) and I have no idea what I want to do for din -- if anything. I know that I do not want to go to the flea market tomorrow -- even though I really need the $$$.
Guess I had better whip up something to eat before Twister [7] comes on at 20h. Until later!
OK, so last night I had a ham and cheese sandwich, heated in the microwave so it would not be totally cold, and some red wine.
Today, Sunday, when I awoke at around 6h for the usual pee session, I was somewhat surprised (and thrilled to death) that my Erector Set was U P!! This also happened the first Saturday after I got out of the hospital (on chemo and radiation) and the second Saturday.
Got up at about 8:30h, urinated with no blood -- but who knows what the next one will bring?? Sat down at the ole computer to finish this extra long chapter and send it out.
Diaper total, thus far : a surprising 24 since last Monday afternoon when I first got some!!
At 9h the day appears dull and cloudy.
Weight, without clothes = 197#.
OK, until the next report, hopefully next week if I feel up to it. Thanks for staying tuned.
Sonny
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